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Opponents
Opponents
In these scenarios, both the animal and I are actively trying to kill each other. These are not territorial / hunger driven attacks.
I'm only listing animals that wouldn't be a completely laughable matchup for me.
H - 5 ft 5
W - 171 lbs
Special Skill(s) - Inbreeding
Fighting Style - Brawler
Neanderthals walked this Earth for hundreds of thousands of years as apex predators. While not the biggest and scariest animal walking on land, the Neanderthals had taken some of the largest leaps up the evolutionary chain in their time.
Their large diaphragm allowed for massive lung capacity which they used to unforgivingly chase their prey into exhaustion, resulting in an easy kill. Paired with their relatively advanced IQ, a group of hunters could take out anything they set their sights on.
Winner - Me
Winner - Me
I imagine this would be similar to fighting a roided out high-school senior. Without his pack of hunting buddies, this would be a very Me sided match. The archaeological facts are he has a smaller, weaker, and dumber body than I do. I am willing to bet that a Neanderthal would put up more of a fight than most of these other animals, but it is still not enough. My IQ, height, wingspan, and good looks outmatch him in every scenario.
L - 6 ft
W - 50 lbs
Special Skill(s) -Pharyngeal Jaw used to drag prey into the throat
Fighting Style - Biter
Moray eels have few predators. Their predators are usually the apex predator in their ecosystem (groupers, sharks, humans). Their sharp teeth accompanied by their alien appearance makes the moray eel one of the most terrifying creatures in the ocean.
These eels hunt at night, and can usually be found within the nooks and crannies of a coral reef. Using the reef as cover, the moray will dart out and attack any fish that gets close enough. Morays use their outer teeth to get a solid grip on the prey, and then use their pharyngeal jaw to drag the prey down their throat.
Winner - Me
Winner - Me
Moray Eels are terrifying to look at, but not to fight. They fall into the same trap as most animals who solely rely on their Bite ability, where if it doesn't work right away, it is not gonna work at all.
There is one thing that is keeping this fight from being completely one-sided though, and that is the arena location. I will have to murder this fish underwater. And since this is a bare-knuckle brawl, I don't even get any scuba gear. I will have to dive down and attack this monstrosity all while holding my breath. After I get bit, I will just grab the eel and swim to the surface of the water, where I can proceed to bash the moray's brains in with little to no resistance.
H - 28 in
W - 230 lbs
Special Skill(s) - Males sport a roughly egg-sized sack near the opening of the penis, which collects urine and emits a sharp odor (yeah they really don't have any special skills)
Fighting Style - Charger
The species has well developed canine teeth, which protrude from the mouths of adult males. The medial hooves are larger and more elongated than the lateral ones and are capable of quick movements. The animal can run at a maximum speed of 40 km/h (25 mph) and jump at a height of 140–150 cm (55–59 in).
Very few attacks against humans have been recorded, but there is an article from 2015 of a boar killing a 77 year old Italian man.
Winner - Me
Winner - Me
I'm fighting like a scum bag, but a win is a win. Boars don't really have any outstanding weaknesses when it comes to fighting. A strong charge, a lot of defense, and tusks basically equates it to a mini bison. The main factor holding it back in the ring is its height.
At a little over 2 feet tall, it is an absolute necessity for the boar to knock me on the ground and keep me there. If it does manage to get me on the ground, it can go hog-wild on my chest with it's tusks and hopefully puncture something important. I can throw a few body blows in to take away some of the boars stamina early on, but they won't do any fight ending damage.
However, that boar is going to face a fury of blows that no boar in existence has ever faced before, mainly to it's eyes. Yep, that is all I'm doing. I am throwing punch after punch and kick after kick at it's eye sockets, until they face inward and the boar can watch itself think. It's really a disturbing image. After I blind that sucker it's a wrap. The once exciting fight just turns into me playing a game of "how many kicks does it take to stomp in a blind pigs skull?"
[female]
L - 3 ft
Wingspan - 5'9 to 7'4
W - 13 to 20 lbs
Special Skill(s) - move at speeds up to 56 km/h (35 mph)
Fighting Style - Assassin
Harpy eagles possess the largest talons of any living eagle, and have been recorded as lifting prey up to equal their own body weight. The feet on a large female are easily as large as a human hand, tipped with four almost comically long, black claws that unfurl into a dangerous grappling hook—the largest talons among any eagle. Growing up to five inches long, a harpy eagle’s claws are comparable to a grizzly bear’s.
Adult female harpies regularly grab large male howler or spider monkeys or mature sloths weighing 6 to 9 kg (13 to 20 lb) in flight and fly off without landing, an enormous feat of strength.
Winner - Me
Winner - Me
Oooooooh our first airborne opponent, I'm excited.
No doubt I'm going to get hurt in this fight. This is one of the toughest contenders I have faced yet. The talons on this monster are straight up unfair in this bare-knuckle cage match. It will dive in and shred whatever it can slice it's bear sized meat hooks into, probably retiring one of my arms just seconds into the fight. It literally hunts monkeys. I AM a monkey 🐒
But underneath all that weaponry and intimidation, it's just a big ass bird. Just a fuckin bird.
Even with one arm busted and my pants soaked in piss, I will grab one of those 7 foot wings and smash the Harpy's head into the ground until it's brain looks like salsa.
H - 7 to 9 ft
W - 140 to 350 lbs
Special Skill(s) - fastest land speed of any bird at 35 mph, with bursts of speed up to 43 mph
Fighting Style - Brawler
While defending its nest, an ostrich can be very aggressive and has been known to kill young lions with their strong kicks. In fact, kicking is the ostrich’s best weapon, delivering 500 pounds of force per square inch.
When attacking a person, common ostriches deliver slashing kicks with their powerful feet, armed with long claws, with which they can disembowel or kill a person with a single blow. In one study of common ostrich attacks, it was estimated that two to three attacks that result in serious injury or death occur each year in the area of Oudtshoorn, South Africa,
Winner - Me
Winner - Me
This fight is ultimately decided by the difference in our intelligence stats. While the ostrich does have a bit of a size and weight advantage, it does not at all make up for the lack of strategy it has. Ostriches can only kick, and they can only kick forward. Maybe if they had a more diverse kit this would be an easy steamroll for the ostrich, but only having one move and low IQ is really going to hold it back in the ring.
H - 6 ft
W - 2000 lbs
Special Skill(s) - move at speeds up to 56 km/h (35 mph)
Fighting Style - Charger
This study examines 56 bison-caused injuries, including two fatalities, from Yellowstone National Park over the past 15 years (published in 1994). Researches found that when a bison charges, it will try to:
A) head-bash you
B) throw you into the air
C) rip through you with its horns
Injuries from bison exceed injuries from bears or any other wild animals in Yellowstone National Park.
Winner - Bison
Winner - Bison
I actually thought I had a chance.
After doing some pretty basic research, there is no shot I survive this fight. Bison are just built different. Most documented bison attacks will end with the bison walking away without explicitly trying to end the persons life. However, we are looking at this as a kill-or-be-killed cage match, in which the bison wins 1000 of 1000 times.
There have been cases reported where a single wolf will take down a bison, which gives me just a sliver a hope, but I simply lack the power to take down this monster unarmed.
H - 5 to 6 ft
W - 97 lbs
Special Skill(s) - Cassowaries can run at up to 50 km/h (30 mph) through the dense forest and can jump up to 1.5 m (5 ft).
Fighting Style - Charger
A 2003 historical study of 221 cassowary attacks showed that 150 had been against humans.
71% of the time the bird had chased or charged the victim, and 15% of the time they kicked.
Only one human death was reported among those 150 attacks, and it was a 16 year old pussy bitch boy, who tripped and fell to the ground. While he was on the ground, the cassowary kicked him in the neck, opening a 1.25-cm (1/2-in) wound that may have severed his jugular vein.
Winner - Me
Winner - Me
At the top of it's range, the cassowary is 6ft 100 lbs. That is pretty impressive for a bird. While the cassowary did end a child's life with a dagger kick (after he tripped and fell 🤣), they are still mainly a Charger. With their 30 mph running speed a direct hit would be brutal, but it would not end the fight for me at all. The second I get my hands on its neck I am snapping it.
H - 31 to 33 in
W - 88 lbs
Special Skill(s) - Powerful leap accompanied by an even more powerful bite (400 lbf/sq in).
Fighting Style - Biter
In the half-century up to 2002, there were eight fatal attacks in Europe and Russia, three in North America, and more than 200 in south Asia.
A worldwide 2002 study by the Norwegian Institute of Nature Research showed that 90% of victims of predatory attacks were children under the age of 18, especially under the age of 10. In the rare cases where adults were killed, the victims were almost always women. This is consistent with wolf hunting strategies, wherein the weakest and most vulnerable categories of prey are targeted.
Winner - Me
Winner - Me
Looking at the data, this is a pretty uneventful win for me. It's just a wild dog. If you are above the age of 18, and are not a woman, this is an easy dubski for you too. Even wolf.org will tell you wolves are not a threat.
Yes of course if it bites me it will fucking hurt, and maybe even render an arm useless for the bout, but that's all a wolf can do. That's the only attack it gets. Meanwhile I'm throwing hooks, knees, elbows, stomps... Humans just straight up have a larger arsenal.
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